I think I think I think there is a grief so wide in me

I birthed it in the water.

I’m drowning again

and I can’t find your body.

Floating in the bathtub encased in red longing and longing

but my body is so full it's empty.

When I say everyone ran away again

I mean there was never anywhere for them to stay.

I mean you were coming home.

I mean my head in your lap and my body aching in the fridge.

But when I open my mouth

I’m afraid the rot will fall out

So you just sharpen your nails

and run your hand through my hair

While I mourn a grief with no grave

choking on letters I never wrote

I think of how you would tell me to take the knife out of the sink

and fix the cuts on my arms

How the fire was turning the red too black

not knowing in the fire, we are everything

And if I tear the skin off your back,

would I find this yearning this yearning this yearning

Or a girl asleep between two identical corpses

There is a stutter stuck on my tongue

The war living inside you living inside you

No plea to save me. Just waiting.

No sorrows so heavy. A mother.

And when we die,

we don’t need to try again.